You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
