you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I will pee on everything he values.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
