they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
