There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
