In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Randomize
