Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
