ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
