Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
