Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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