you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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