Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
