As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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