Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
