Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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