My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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