I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
