Yo dont text me then not text me
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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