I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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