she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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