hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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