i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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