Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
