This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That accounts for only three of the penises
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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