I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
