oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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