I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
