Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
