When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
