Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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