just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
