Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
