Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
