I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
