mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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