went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
