Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
