my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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