i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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