two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
