i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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