My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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