this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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