I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
