I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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