u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
