Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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