For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
