Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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