please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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