My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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