Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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