Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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