you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I seem to have left my pride at pride
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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